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A traveling salesman was testifying in divorce proceedings against his wife. His attorney said, "Please describe the incident that first caused you to entertain suspiciouns regarding your wife's infidelity."
The salesman answered, "I'm on the road during the week so naturally when I am home on weekends, I particularly attentive to my wife. One Sunday morning we were in the middle of a heavy session of love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekend?'
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A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Mr. Perry, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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A woman went to an attorney to ask about a divorce.
"What grounds do you have, ma'm?"
"About six acres."
"No, I don't think you quite understand. Let me rephrase the question. do you have a grudge?"
"No, just a parking space."
"I'll try again. does your husband beat you?"
"No, I always get up at least an hour before he does."
The attorney could see he was fighting a losing battle. "Madam, are you sure you want a divorce?"
"I'm not the one who wants a divorce," she said. "My husband does. He claims we don't communicate."
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Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. [Robin Williams]
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After 30 years of marriage, a husband said he wanted a divorce. His wife was stunned. "But Will," she pleaded, "how could you want to divorce me after all we've been through together? Remember how just after we met, you caught malaria and nearly died, but I looked after you. Then when your family was wiped out in a hurricane, I was there for you. then when you were falsely accursed of armed robbery, I stood by you. Then when you lost $50,000 on the horses, I sympathized. And when that fire destroyed your office, I comforted you. How could you leave me? We've been through so much."
"That's the problem, Jan. Face it, you're just bad luck."
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Mrs. Wilson appeared before the judge in a divorce action.
"How old are you?" asked the judge.
"Thirty-five," said Mrs. Wilson.
The judge noted her greying hair and wrinkled cheeks. "May I see your birth certificate?"
She handed the judge her birth certificate.
"Madam," he said severely, "according to this certificate you are not 35 but 50."
"Your honor," replied Mrs. Wilson, "the last 15 years I spent with my husband I'm not counting. You call that a life?"
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BRAIN TRANSPLANT
At a hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
Surveying the worried faces, the doctor said: "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news. The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, a you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. One man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
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How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!
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How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.
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How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
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