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How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round to the surgery later.
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
How many physiotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will be working a bit better the next time they see it.
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A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
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A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!"
The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"
She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!"
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An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, " ad hasn't walked in over a year!"
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If it is dry - add moist; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.
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Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."
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A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."
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Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
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A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
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A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him - do something."
The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".
The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead - do something else."
The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."
The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340."
The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the dog."
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"
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