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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are on dead people.
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When you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
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Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
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Cross-examination Revisited
"Now, your youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone, or by yourself?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the accident?"
" id he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
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How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.
Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.
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Q: Your first marriage was terminated by death?
A: Yes, by death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct?
A: Yes.
Q: And these same stairs, did the also go up?
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Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
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The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one, "So how do you plead?"
"Not guilty" said the second defendant.
"I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied.
"I never said a word" the third defendant replied.
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The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.
"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before."
The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.
"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"
"Well your Honor," the man told him, "Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!"
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