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Teacher: Tim, you missed school yesterday, didn't you?
Tim: Not a bit!
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Teacher: How do you spell "dog"?
Pupil: d, o, g, enter.
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"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."
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A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."
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What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples?
A senior high school math problem.
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The Evolution of a Math Problem
1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?
1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?
1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set MC?
1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.
1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
1998 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?
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The answer to the problem was "log(1+x)". A student copied the answer from the student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to "timber(1+x)".
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When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
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The ways to grade the final exams
Dept of Statistics:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept of Psychology:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept of History:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept of Religion:
- Grade is determined by God.
Dept of Philosophy:
- What is a grade?
Law School:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept of Logic:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept of Computer Science:
- Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept of Physical Education:
- Everybody gets an A.
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Schools We Don't want to Attend
The Leona Helmsley School of Tax Preparation
The Mike Tyson Charm School
The William Kennedy Smith Dating Service
The Saddam Hussein Military Academy
The Charles Keating Chair in Business Ethics
The Don King Barber College
The Pee-wee Herman Advanced Sexuality Course
The Louis Farrakhan School of Diplomacy.
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