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How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it is done by the automatic pilot.
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" idn't you read this book, 'Black Box', in our previous flight? Haven't you ended it yet?", the woman asked her husband.
"Yes I did", answered the husband, "but everyone knows that the first thing the rescuers look for after a plane crash is the Black Box".
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A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it take to fly to Boston?"
The clerk said, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the man said and hung up.
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A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent.
"I want a round trip ticket," says the man.
"Where to?" asks the agent.
"Right back to here."
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Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."
She said, "We can't do that!"
I told her, "You did it last week!"
Henny Youngman
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Frequent Flayer's Ten Golden Rules
1 No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2 If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3 If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4 Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5 If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
6 If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7 Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8 The crying baby on board is always seated next to you.
9 The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you.
10 The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
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A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he is flying, and about flying when he is with a woman.
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As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid. "What's the problem, fellow?" asked his seat mate.
"Surely," said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying, 'The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains!!'"
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While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seatsand began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot said they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."
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An airplane was flying from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, "We have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York."
A little later, the pilot announced, "A second engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York."
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, "A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new York."
At this point, one passenger said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
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