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How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old the old one is.
How many architects does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this quiet complicated task.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
Third as many as for a regular bulb.
How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb?
"Sod you! That's the electrician's job."
How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill."
How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork.
How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.
How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"I don't know, but I can look it up for you."
How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Social scientists do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
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An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
An archaeologist is a person who's career lies in ruins.
An architect is someone who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain
A chemical engineer is a man who is doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Laurence J. Peter
An editor is a person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.
Elbert Hubbard
A journalist is someone who spend 50% of its time not saying what he knows and 50% of its time talking about things he doesn't know.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".
Franz Kafka
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
Charles R. Darwin
A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
A philosopher is a person who doesn't have a job but at least understands why.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A psychologist is a man whom you pay a lot of money to ask you questions that your wife asks free of charge.
A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A sociologist is someone who, when a beautiful women enters the room and everybody look at her, looks at everybody.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Pierre de Fermat: I just don't have room here to give the full explanation.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Social Worker: It crossed the road to be able to understand both sides.
An actuary: It looked in the file and that's what it did last year.
A consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Our consulting firm, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), we helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive here was.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
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A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr. Jones, the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the secreatry. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
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A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."
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Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.
"How about a foot race to see if your'e right," said the younger employee.
With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an eldery woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"
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A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
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A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"
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A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. "How'd the meeting go?" asks the first guy.
"It went great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million."
"Fabulous," says the guy by the pool.
"There's just one catch," his partner warns.
"What's the catch?"
"We have to put up ten thousand in cash".
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Stammerer: "I hea..hea... heard tha...that you can hel...hel...help me".
Speech therapist: "Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and count slowly till ten".
Stammerer: "O...one, t...two, th...th...three, ..... eight, nine, ten. It's wonderful, I don't stammer anymore!"
Speech therapist: "My fee is 300 dollar."
Stammerer: "H...h...how mu...mu...much?!"
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